Food drunk

Last night I was so full and so tired that I felt drunk. Do you ever get like that?

First I was like,

I was squirming and whining and all inebriated on pasta.

Then I started laughing. I don't know remember why, but Andy said something about laughing and barfing at the same time, which made me think this:

In my state, that was hilarious since it was a likely probability.

Then I started talking about The Great Mouse Detective, maybe because I saw a sign for bat guano, but the only thing I could remember was the song about the bad guy, only I couldn't remember any of the words, so I just kept repeating myself about 100 times.

It was agreed that that movie was better than The Fox and the Hound, which is just too damn sad, and that led us to discussing things we never picked up on as kids. (Karen never cried at Fox and Hound as a kid but did as an adult.)

On that topic of things we didn't pick up on until we were older, I added, "Like Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. I don't remember Donner being so sexist. Ugh. Donner's a d*ck."

Can't take credit for this one. This image comes from this site.

Andy thinks I should change my blog to that about Donner. I think I'll stick with mine.

For those of you who live in a cave...

For those of you who live in a cave, or are otherwise in communicado (aside from this sole website), I have fantastic news:

The Olympics are coming!

I know, I know! You're like, "Wait a tic-- didn't we just have the Olympics last year?"

No. Canada did.

Remember the totally rad opening?

(I'm not sure why they chose red, white and blue...)

But yes, the Games were last year.

"So how are they coming...?"

You ask too many questions. The point is, the Olympics are almost upon us again!

The Winter Olympics in Sochi, Russia, will be starting up again in a mere 1,110 days!!!

And if you like the Summer Olympics, then you only have to wait 551 days before the Games in London, but whatever. You know, if you're into that. (If their mascots are any indication of how amazing the Games will be, well... Make your own decisions there.)

Like I said, the point here is that the Winter Olympics are only 1,110 days away. You know what that means, don't you?

I either have to take up and master Speedskating soon, or I need to get back to training.

Before the 2014 Winter Olympics, I am completely committed to reaching the ultimate high score on Wii Fit Ski Jump. That's 404 (2 jumps of 202m).

As you can see, I've been training for a while and my scores aren't anything to scoff about.

My personal best jump was 194m during last year's Olympic Games.

I'm feeling really confident about training. I joined a gym last week. *thumbs up* Now all I have to do is, you know, GO, and soon enough I'll have totally shredded legs and be able to leap over buildings and ski jumps in a single bound!

Pretty soon, I'll be able to put actual skis on and you guys will be all, "I know that girl! She's funny AND she ski jumps!"

1,110 days, bloggies!!!

Wakeboarding + Frosted Mini Wheats + a Golf Course

Pop quiz, everyone!

What do a golf course club house, wakeboarding, and Frosted Mini Wheats have in common?

I know: this is just like when you're at the store and the person in front of you is buying Ziploc bags, shaving cream, and a 20lb bag of cat food. What on Earth...?

So, any ideas? If you guessed my dream the other night, then you're either an incredible guesser (bravo!) or I already told you (boo). I also had a dream that I discussed miniature lanterns and plain M&Ms versus peanut M&Ms with Sasquatch, but that doesn't really pertain to this question.

You may have guessed that my dream took place at the golf course. Good job! I'll save you from guessing the rest...

It all started when Karen and I decided to take up wakeboarding. This itself may amuse those of you who know us in real life. I'm not sure about Karen's watersporting past but I can truthfully say that I have no experience with large bodies of water or sports performed on or in them (though I've looked at them a lot...) That said, I don't really know that my dream definition of wakeboarding is the actual definition of wakeboarding, but we'll go with it.

(Note: I just Googled it. Wakeboarding in my dream isn't wakeboarding in real life. I was really bodyboarding. Heh.)

So. "Wakeboarding." We're on it.

Turns out, in Dreamland there's a wakeboarding club just down the street from me. How fortuitous is that?? Even in my dream I realize that this can't be a common thing in Michigan.

Not being a professional golfer either, I had expectations of what the inside of the club house would look like.

What I imagined was this:

What it really looked like was this:

Yeah, it was basically a mud cave. Regardless Karen and I busted into that place totally stoked.  I was already in a wetsuit (and no coat in January.)

While Karen was putting her stuff on the "beach" (ie. muddy bank), I ran into the water like, "Eeeeeee!!!!!!"

It was so awesome, you guys! Yay!!!

So there were these small waves, then a large one, then suddenly the waves stopped and the water started receding.

Noooooooo!!!!! I just got here!!!

I chased the water toward the back of the room, then down this muddy tunnel/hallway, and into a smaller wading room.

The smaller room had to be a kiddie wading pool or something, which is ridiculous because little babies would have to get through a huge wave cavern and swim through a long hallway to get to it, but whatever. I'm not an architect.

Back in that little room, I noticed that some little kid left their bag of Frosted Mini Wheats behind and it had spilled out onto the muddy floor. I was thinking about people not picking up their own trash (losers) when the water started up again. I out-ran it all the way to the "beach" where Karen was. (She never got in the water. I don't really know that she even brought a swimsuit. Maybe she was sitting there reading? Or crocheting?)

Karen = unimpressed. Heather = absurd giddiness.

The water rushed back. I turned to jump in and--
And awr.

On its way back in, the water had brought that spilled bag of Frosted Mini Wheats, which had somehow multiplied into a billion little bite-sized pieces. The water was muddy brown and full of cereal. It looked like Mini Wheats in gross chocolate milk.

Ew.

And that's why I'm not a professional wakeboarder. Or bodyboarder.

Yet.

Random Thoughts

When I first got my Blackberry, I emailed everyone, all the time, about nothing at all, just because I could. Last night I was going through some of my old sent emails (yay!) and came across this one from August 1, 2009. I think I'll start a series of blog posts about random emails like this.


Random Thoughts From Walmart
1) I typed from wrong and it suggested I meant "doom"
2) why do they have 3 rows of mini beef Franks and no cheesy ones for Pigs in a blanket??
3) my mom also calls meatballs in cabbage wrapping pigs in a blanket
4) the potpourri aisle smells delightfully confusing
5) I miss Hawaiian punch. I wish I could drink it still
6) WOW! They have a box of Duncan Hines brownie mix in their bulk aisle!!! Its a lb and a half of batter mix. Yyyyyyyyuuummmmmm!!!!!!
7) I lost my mom typing that.
8) I found her by the seasoning.
9) Sue has a wedding tonight and they have snowflake shaped Rice Krispie treats.
10) I don't know why snowflakes but they were
11) will u be coming home for your bday? I'll help plan your party!!
12) Walmart doesn't sell chainsaws. Not even electric ones.
13) we didn't find half the stuff mom wanted so...

Random thoughts from Krogers again:
14) these bananas are nice & yellow. Walmart's were all green
15) I can't believe I haven't run into anyone yet! I've barely looked up.
16) Outrageous! Kroger doesn't have cheesy weenies either!!!
17) I might hate milk but I l-l-love chocolate milk!
18) mmm ice cream by the bucket!
19) hey! Mike's Hard Berry!
20) mom wants to send me to VGs once we get home now bc they don't have weenies
21) weenie is a terrible word but weenies is ok (in reference to miniature hot dogs)

Well I lucked out. We decided no cheesy weenies after all so I'm in for the night.

In a perfect dream world...

Since I'm fairly positive my astounding artwork is why most of you visit my blog, I thought you'd like to see a bit of my creative process.

Step 1: Talk to Karen. Inevitably I say something completely moronic or we discuss things so amazingly random that it inspires great art.
    For this example, our computer guru asked if I really needed Photoshop on our new/replacement computer in the back. Since Karen usually uses that when she's at my building, I told him yes but called to confirm. He told me to ask, "In a perfect dream world, what would she have on the computer?"

Step 2: Send an email to anyone about that conversation. (Lots of inspiration in my Sent box.) It also helps save details that will be important later.
   An excerpt from my sent email: She said in a dream world she would like “marshmallow unicorn ponies” that sparkle and flitter around the screen. So really that would be like a horned Pegasus… Or something… “But a little one. I don’t want a full-sized horse. That’s just stupid.”

Step 3: Draw.

Attempt 1                                          Attempt 2

                 Attempt 3                                  Attempt 4*shudder*

                                                                 (give up and draw dragon-demons)

                                                                 (I friggin' hate horses!)

Attempt 5 (YAY!)

Step 4: Color!!

Children...

At my place of employment, we have an old car that we let kids climb on. I like the idea, but sometimes I wonder...

The car is right outside the office window so we can keep an eye on it, and being right there, we can hear everything the kids say.

Hands down, the most common thing we hear (besides "vroom") is:

But when kids get together in groups, it's amazing how crazy they get. They say things that I'm sure they don't understand.

A few examples of actual things I've heard:
   1) An itty bitty kid pretending to drive his elderly grandma around.

   2) A grade school field trip.

(That's the Sean Kingston song "Beautiful Girls," if you couldn't tell.

Singing in the car at a young age = awesome. That song = less awesome but more hilarious.)

And one that I heard just today, and thankfully they repeated it so I could tell you this truthfully,
   3) A group of nine home-schooled kids, none older than 8.

Truthfully I thought they said "pawn shop" until they repeated it a few times. Their poor parents had so completely tuned them out that they didn't even notice. (Granted they had wandered off without the kids and were no longer nearby.)

Prior to this, I had been over at our local library where the woman in line in front of me had four boys that she was completely incapable of controling.

To one side of the line, the two older boys were fighting (probably 8 and 10).

On the other side, one boy had just wandered off (probably 5ish) and was poking around behind the counter.

The lady herself was holding onto a little boy who has sobbing and wailing so hard that his body had sagged over into a lump, but she still held onto his arm.

At one point, another lady and her two quiet kids walked by, cutting through the line between me and Mom #1. Her little boy (Boy #2) tripped on the other little boy's body (Boy #1) but Mom #2 had such a grip on that boy that she just kept going and pulled him (Boy #2) back to his feet without slowing down. The boy just kind of limply swayed as he floated back up into the air and onto his feet. It reminded me a lot of something being dragged behind a car.

So yeah... this kind of tapered off and lost it's funny. Sorry, guys! (But hey, my cars are getting better, eh?)

Good news, everyone!

My resolutions are going better than I had hoped!

Resolution 10: Accomplished.

 

After being disappointed (yet not surprised) and accomplishing #10, I walked in my bedroom this morning and TJ was scratching his new scratch toy! He wasn't going crazy on it, but at least he was scratching it. HOORAY!!!!

PS: For those of you with cats, this thing is the greatest cat toy ever invented.

Resolutions

I'll be honest with you, Bloggonauts: I don't have high hopes for Twenty11.

I already know what I have in store for me in the year ahead. There will be school with its school drama; work with its far-fetched projects, deadlines, committees, and work drama; internships; homework; bills; changing of the cat litter; and not a lot of time to squeeze in any travel in the middle.

I'm paraphrasing here but, "All Work And No Play Make Heather A Miserable Girl."

As the new year was about to roll in, everyone got talking about New Year's Resolutions. Did I have any in mind? Answer: No. And why not? Because I don't have time for fun. If I don't have time for fun, how will I have time for resolution accomplishment?

To humor these Resolution Seekers, I went ahead and made my list. Keep in mind, naysayers, that nobody ever said they had to be life-altering and profound.

Resolution 1: Create a list of resolutions.

Resolution 2: Breathe each and every day.

Resolution 3: Do one amazing thing in 2011.

Resolution 4: Eat too much at Thanksgiving and buy presents at Christmas.

Resolution 5: Make an effort not to be quite so emo about grad school. At the very least, don't go postal.

Resolution 6: Hang that picture frame that I bought sometime in the summer and just put pictures in around Thanksgiving.

Resolution 7: Install the hooks in the closet (aka, "Finish the last step on that bedroom redecorating I did last February")

Resolution 8: Buy milk.

Resolution 9: Teach cats how to scratch on their new scratch toy.

Resolution 10: Don't feel bad when the cats fail to understand new scratch toy, like they did the treat ball.


I feel good about this list. I've already accomplished something, and I'm well on my way with Resolution #2. As for #8, we don't need milk but I'm sure at some point in the remaining 364 days we probably will.

And you know, this blog might be my #3.