Keep the Change (heh, get it?)

The other day I swung by a famous fast food chain to purchase some tasty schmacos before class. I love schmacos. I'm not one to branch out and try new things when it comes to food but in the last year I discovered Cheesy Beefy Melts. They're rather awesome: cheese, meat, sour cream, a little bit of rice so you don't feel so guilty. Delicious.

So before class, I swung by the drive-thru and noticed that the menu looked different.

Look, lady. I don't know the difference between a Cheesy Beefy Melt and a regular Beefy Melt with cheese, and I don't understand the difference between a meal and combo.

I ended up with a Beefy Melt Combo, which is a Cheesy Beefy Melt meal with an additional taco, and guess what-- a Beefy Melt is exactly a Cheesy Beefy Melt.

You would think that story ends there.

Today, I was driving down the expressway and saw a billboard for Cheesy Beefy Melts. It looked like this:

Why would you remove the adjective "Cheesy" from the thing's name, then use it across TWO billboards to market the thing?!

*sigh*

Food drunk

Last night I was so full and so tired that I felt drunk. Do you ever get like that?

First I was like,

I was squirming and whining and all inebriated on pasta.

Then I started laughing. I don't know remember why, but Andy said something about laughing and barfing at the same time, which made me think this:

In my state, that was hilarious since it was a likely probability.

Then I started talking about The Great Mouse Detective, maybe because I saw a sign for bat guano, but the only thing I could remember was the song about the bad guy, only I couldn't remember any of the words, so I just kept repeating myself about 100 times.

It was agreed that that movie was better than The Fox and the Hound, which is just too damn sad, and that led us to discussing things we never picked up on as kids. (Karen never cried at Fox and Hound as a kid but did as an adult.)

On that topic of things we didn't pick up on until we were older, I added, "Like Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. I don't remember Donner being so sexist. Ugh. Donner's a d*ck."

Can't take credit for this one. This image comes from this site.

Andy thinks I should change my blog to that about Donner. I think I'll stick with mine.

Christmas in Review

Thursday, 12/23: Staff Christmas party with some cool people.

Friday, 12/24: Christmas Eve
I never realized how totally un-P.C. Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer was before this year. Rudolph's girlfriend and mom wanted to help Donner find him and Donner literally said, "this is man's work!"  (Check out the best summary ever.)

Saturday, 12/25: CHRISTMAS!!!! Yaaaaayyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!

Sunday, 12/26: Family Christmas!

Ok, so I reused a picture. We didn't have table clothes, or sit at a circular table, or sit at the same table at all. We spread out through my cousin's house and ate like hogs. Oh, and our food was amazingly cheese-themed although we had no prior planning on that.

Even the cake had cream cheese. (Cheese potatoes not pictured.)

Christmas Crazy

My mom loves Christmas. She has always made it magical at our house for the holidays. For as long as I can remember, she's been "over the top" with decorations. This year, as I helped my dad carry all the stuff in from the barn, I counted all the boxes Mom had collected. We had twenty-one totes, nine boxes, three trees (a 9' and two 4'), and two wreaths, not to mention Dad's outdoor things.

We, of course, have the standard items:

A Christmas tree,

stockings by the fireplace,

a wreath on the door,

garland on the stairs...

But then we get a little more intense:

Decorations on top of every curio cabinet and hutch,

redundant decor,

(hmm, the antlers seem out of place)

replacement holiday-themed dog toys...

Then she goes to a whole other level of Christmas crazy. Nothing is safe.

Eating in the kitchen is difficult.

Not even the lamps are spared.

Don't get me wrong: I love Christmas crazy. It's contagious. It makes the season more magical being completely engrossed in the Wonder of it all. Once, when I was little, Mom even wrapped all the pictures hanging on the walls and put bows on them so it looked like we had presents hanging everywhere. It was completely awesome (but Mom realized it was a waste of expensive wrapping paper and never did it again. Awr.)

Despite all the giddy awesomeness of Christmas at my house, there is one piece that I dread getting out each year. It's great and horrible all at the same time.

I call it "Satan Santa."

Satan Santa was a clearance impulse buy at Sears a hundred years ago. I think he was broken, or maybe his soulless beedy green eyes terrified too many people, but Mom bought him anyway. Over the years he has been given many names: "The Christmas Demon," "Creepy Dude," "The Pedophile"... As much as we all hate him and give him these names, we can't bring ourselves to get rid of him.

You see, Satan Santa holds a tray in his hands and in that tray my mom keeps a constant supply of delicious candy. Reese's, Snickers, Nestle Crunch, Hershey's-- anything "miniature" sized is in there. If we pick out all the Nestle Treasures, Mom refills them and perpetuates the creepy candy man cycle of terror. Mmmm. Tasty, tasty terror.

And there you have it. That's what Christmas looks like at my house. I left out things like the holiday plates and the snowman butterknives but I think you get the idea.

Merry Christmas!!!

My Thanksgiving Strategy

Thanksgiving is a sacred holiday in my family. We are eaters. We like food. We habitually eat too much food. Being the ultimate Day of Eating, Thanksgiving is a big deal to us.

Some people just show up and eat what's available at their get togethers, but for families like mine, we strategize.

Step 1: Wake up early-ish. Start thinking about food.

Step 2: Eat a light breakfast. If you eat too much, you won't wear it off before food time. If you don't eat at all, you'll munch before the official start time. Either way, you won't be at your full hunger potential for dinner time.

Step 3: Make something edible that you know how to make (and won't ruin). In my case: deviled eggs. Because my family attempts to dress slightly nicer than bums when we get together for holidays, it is important to dress in grubby clothes all morning because you'll inevitably make a mess.

Step 4: Right before people should be showing up, change your clothes and clean up.(Note: It's always best to host these things, as you will see in just a moment.) If you want to be just like me, put on a nice V-neck sweater. This isn't a formal event. Sweaters are nice enough.

Step 5: As people arrive with food, reevaluate your game plan and examine the choices available. If you counted on cheesecake and there is no cheesecake, you will have to make adjustments.

Step 6: When you spot the food on your list, DIVE IN!! Do not wait for Cousins to get food. They are too slow. You could be on Round 2 by the time they sit down.

Step 7: Once you're full to the point of combustion, nibble cookies until food has settled enough for Round 18.  It is also permissable to sneak away to change clothes at this time. Everyone has seen you all dressed up and will not think you're a bum if you suddenly are wearing something else.

I recommend a hoodie and drawstring pants. A hoodie is baggy and has a pouch for hiding food or holding napkins. Drawstring pants are preferable to elastic bands because they won't attempt to hold on so tight around your tenderly full stomach. Note: Any baggy, hobo clothes can be worn as long as they have a Michigan State logo. Anything with this symbol is acceptable to our family.

When your hair has lost its coloring (as mine apparently has in these pictures), it is safe to stop eating. Results may vary-- most people will be asleep from the tryptophan by this point.